I never considered myself a leader.
Like many, I thought leaders were the loudest and strongest in the room. Being a leader meant being brave, fearless, and outspoken in the classroom and on the field. As I grew up I saw leaders as being the best among us. They were leaders because they had the most skill and people admired or feared them.
Emotionally Healthy Leadership involves challenging unhealthy stereotypes and redefining our biases about what true leadership entails. In his book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell highlights that a disproportionate number of leaders are tall, white men over 6’4. Though comprising just under 4 percent of the population, these men dominate our conceptual understanding of leadership. Most of us in the West were raised on the images of JFK and Ronald Reagan—tall, charismatic figures with exceptional oratory skills. They attended prestigious schools, excelled academically, and boasted unparalleled resumes. This archetype often defines our leadership landscape.
I am here to argue that this landscape is often wrong and harmful to the flourishing of society. The struggle with this narrow definition of leadership is the overwhelming emphasis on external traits which in turn neglects the human element of leadership. As Jill Bolte Tyler a neuroanatomist so beautifully writes, “Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think.” To be human is to be an emotional creature. While impressive resumes and accomplishments dazzle the masses, it’s what lies behind the surface that comprises our humanity.
Charisma and physical prowess are admirable traits, but they don’t encapsulate an individual’s internal motivations, character, emotional maturity, or essence. While we prioritize achievements and impressive resumes, we too eagerly overlook the foundational aspects of goodness that are essential for healthy and effective leadership.
In the realm of the church, a similar pattern emerges. Many pastors fit the same mold as their corporate counterparts. Toxic cultures, instances of sexual abuse, moral failures, and burnt-out leaders are increasingly common. Leadership should not prioritize impressing others but rather leveraging one’s gifts for the benefit of those being led. This shift requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, vulnerability, healthy boundaries, and a commitment to continual growth.
While I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’m on a journey of learning and growth. I write to process my thoughts and share them because I’m tired of the toxic leadership pervasive in our culture. We need emotionally healthy leaders with noble intentions—individuals whose egos aren’t bruised by pushback, who don’t use achievement as a shield, and who don’t oppress others due to their own unresolved wounds. Leadership has the power to transform organizations, churches, schools, and families, as hierarchical structures exist at every level of society. Instead of denying this reality, what if we unleashed leaders who uplift rather than oppress?
Leadership isn’t about self-promotion; it’s about elevating those around you. As Simon Sinek states in his book “Leaders Eat Last,” leaders are tasked with caring for their people, even at the expense of personal sacrifice. It’s not about perks, pride, titles, or salaries; it’s about responsibly serving the common good, a feat only achievable through emotional health and hard work.