I am not a leader.
I was born two months early and started my life with complicated challenges. I was a premature foster baby who was adopted by some incredible parents when I was very young.
I knew from a very young age I didn’t quite fit in. I was a small, little brown kid adopted by some tall, white, midwestern, and stoic parents. While I didn’t quite understand the nuance of this dynamic, what I knew from the onset is that I was the smallest person in my world. Every class I attended, I looked way younger and was physically much smaller than any of my peers.
I was the runt.
In fear of turning this into a soapbox of my life let’s simply say I never saw myself as a leader. I had to scrap all my energy to simply gain the respect of my peers. I was picked last for sports, I was picked on and bullied throughout my life. Nothing was given to me or really expected when you are the smallest kid. I channeled my inferiority into raw determination to gain recognition and earn respect.
I share this story because I believe most of us have a picture of what a leader looks and sounds like.
Like many, I thought leaders were the loudest and strongest in the room. Being a leader meant being brave, fearless, and outspoken in the classroom and on the field. As I grew up I saw leaders as being the best among us. They had the biggest personalities, they were the most charming, and they were often larger than life figures. They were leaders because they had the most skill and people admired or feared them.
I am passionate about this topic because I believe our biases prevent us from recognizing true leadership. We must challenging unhealthy stereotypes and redefine our biases about what true leadership entails.
In Blink (2005), Malcolm Gladwell discusses what he calls the “Warren Harding Error” which demonstrates our tendency to unconsciously equate certain appearances with leadership ability.
One of his clearest examples is height bias among corporate leaders:
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About 14.5% of American men are 6 feet or taller
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But 58% of Fortune 500 CEOs are 6 feet or taller
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Only 3.9% of American men are 6’2″ or taller
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Yet about one-third of CEOs in his sample were 6’2″+
Gladwell’s argument is not that tall people are better leaders — but that we instinctively perceive them as leaders due to unconscious bias. He uses Warren Harding (a tall, handsome U.S. president widely judged ineffective) as a cautionary example of appearance-driven judgment.
I am here to add that this landscape is often wrong and harmful to the flourishing of society. The struggle with our hardwired bias in leadership is the overwhelming emphasis on external traits which in turn neglects the human element of leadership. As Jill Bolte Tyler a neuroanatomist so beautifully writes, “Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think.” To be human is to be an emotional creature. While impressive resumes and accomplishments dazzle the masses, it’s what lies behind the surface that comprises our humanity.
Charisma and physical prowess are admirable traits, but they don’t encapsulate an individual’s internal motivations, character, emotional maturity, or essence. While we prioritize achievements and impressive resumes, we quickly overlook the foundational aspects of goodness that are essential for healthy and effective leadership.
In the realm of the church, a similar pattern emerges. Many pastors fit the same mold as their corporate counterparts. Toxic cultures, instances of sexual abuse, moral failures, and burnt-out leaders are increasingly common. Church leadership often elevates charismatic leaders, gifted speakers, and leaders with compelling vision and fresh ideas. Sadly, little to no priority is given to other traits. Effective leadership should not prioritize impressing others but rather leveraging one’s gifts for the benefit of those being led. This shift requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, vulnerability, healthy boundaries, and a commitment to continual growth.
While I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’m on a journey of learning and growth. I write to process my thoughts and share them because I’m tired of the toxic leadership pervasive in our culture. We need emotionally healthy leaders with pure intentions individuals whose egos aren’t bruised by pushback, who don’t use achievement as a shield, and who don’t oppress others due to their own unresolved wounds. Leadership has the power to transform organizations, churches, schools, and families, as hierarchical structures exist at every level of society. Instead of denying this reality, what if we unleashed leaders who uplift rather than oppress?
Leadership isn’t about self-promotion; it’s about elevating those around you. As Simon Sinek states in his book “Leaders Eat Last,” leaders are tasked with caring for their people, even at the expense of personal sacrifice. It’s not about perks, pride, titles, or salaries; it’s about responsibly serving the common good, a feat only achievable I believe through the gruesome process of pursuing emotional wholeness which is a tedious lifelong journey.